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Your thoughts on fictional story to go with court cards for a new deck

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CLCPC Studio 52

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Hi there,

I was hoping for some of your thoughts on a fictional story that I have been putting together for a Kickstarter Exclusive Deck that I have been developing especially to thank supporters for my Vintage Label Playing Cards project on Kickstarter.

Included in the commemorative plaque image below are character Biography's for each court card character in the KS Exclusive signature edition decks, and was hoping you might be able to let me know what you think of the fictional story that plays out in the character bio's.

If you are able to proof read these for me also to let me know if I have made any spelling mistakes that would be great :)

Hope you enjoy reading about the characters in this deck and look forward to your responses,

Best Regards,
Craig Lewis Maidment
« Last Edit: June 09, 2019, 12:01:41 AM by CLCPC Studio 52 »
 

 

dkrouskop

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I love the backstories created for these characters!

There are, however, some editorial/style issues that could be addressed to make the bios read more seamlessly.

The first is punctuation - specifically commas. In the first line of the second paragraph of the Jack of Spades bio, there's no need for a comma between "...for wine producing" and "led to a partnership with..." The two phrases being connected there are actually part of the same idea, so it's not necessary to separate them. In the second sentence of that same paragraph, there should be a comma between "Together" and "both..." In this context, "Together" functions as an interjection, and should be separated from the main body of the sentence. There are other instances throughout the text where comma usage could be cleaned up a bit. Good rule of thumb for comma placement is to read the sentence out loud and listen to where the natural pauses occur in them. Often, that's where a comma belongs.

The second concern is run-on sentences. You include a lot of great detail in each bio, but tend to try and cram too much of it into each sentence. The aforementioned second sentence in the second paragraph of the Jack of Spades bio (beginning with "Together both...") is an example of this. So much wonderful detail packed into that single sentence that it becomes clunky and hard to read by the end of the third line or so. If you break some of that up into shorter sentences, it will be a much smoother read.

Hope this criticism doesn't come across as harsh or negative. I'm a writer and an editor by nature. This deck looks amazing, so the tighter the prose in the bios, the more successful it's likely to be.
 

 

CLCPC Studio 52

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Hi dkrouskop!,

Thankyou so much for the feedback!

It is great to have your constructive critisism, especially being that you are a writer! :D

Would you be open to editing these back stories for me as I have always struggled with structuring sentences?

I can send you one of the Signature Edition Decks in exchange for you helping me if you like, plus if you also pledge to support my new decks on Kickstarter I will even match every deck that you pledge for on my Kickstarter by sending you an extra deck of the same type that you pledge for :) 

I HAVE COPIED AND PASTED EACH OF THE BACK STORIES BELOW

Please feel free to edit these and send them back to me and I can send you some decks in exchange for you helping me :)

Look forward to your reply,

Best Regards,
Craig


Jack of Spades - Gustav Gustafsson (1879-1911)

From Switzerland. 
Wise beyond his days, this entrepreneur purchased 120 acres of land in the Canton
of Valais, in the foothills of Southern Switzerland, to go on to establish a very
successful vinyard, by supplying some of the best grapes in the region to leading
wine producers throughout Switzerland.

Gustav’s visions for fame and fortune across the world for wine producing, led to a
partnership with Victor Van Rennes, who at the time had been making headlines
as a leading wine producer in Belgium.  Together both Gustav and Victor went on
to expand on their success as wine producers by taking up a joint venture with
Sophia Van Den Berg, a leading wine producer from the Netherlands, where
together they became the founding partners of the Vintage Label Winery Estate,
which is know today the Vintage Label Winery, Brewery and Distillery, after since
expanding to become the leading producer and distributer of both wine, beer and
spirits worldwide.

The Vintage Label Winery, Brewery and Distillery is situated in Belgium and is
currently owned and operated by Craig Lewis Maidment, after being inherited by
his late step mother, Stella Louise Van Den Berg, daughter to parents Sophia Van
Den Berg and Victor Van Rennes. 
There are numerous rumours that Stella Louise Van Den Berg’s father was Gustav
Gustafsson who is believed to have eloped with Stella’s mother Sophia just days
before his tragic passing while a passenger on board the SS Arabella, a steamship
which sank into the cold waters of the Atlantic Ocean on the early hours of the
morning of the 16th of October 1911.

(Jack of Hearts illustration depicts the Gustafsson winery Estate, situated in the
Canton of Valais, in the foothills of Southern Switzerland).






Queen of Spades - Sophia Van Den Berg (1871-1946)

From the Netherlands.
Inherited one of the oldest vineyard estates in the Netherlands to continue with
the family tradition of producing premium quality wines using traditional
methods.
The Van Den Berg’s for many years produced limited quantities of high quality
wines from 100% hand picked estate grown fruit from its beautiful old vines.

At the turn of the century, Sophia Van Den Berg took up a joint venture with
Victor Van Rennes and Gustav Gustavsson in 1900 to establish the Vintage Label
Winery Estate in Belgium and together would they become the leading producers
and distributers of wine in the world. 
Sophia Van Den Berg became pregnant with her first and only child (Stella Louise
Rennes) in October of 1911 before she went on to marry her business partner, Victor
Van Rennes, later that year.
Sophia’s daughter Stella Louise Rennes was born on July 16th 1912, and she would
later go on to inherit the Vintage Label Winery Estate after both her parents passing,
at which point she changed her name to Stella Louise Van Den Berg to take on her
mothers maiden name, as she despised her father Victor. 
In the time leading up to Stella Van Den Bergs passing in 2001, she requested that
her step son, Craig Lewis Maidment inscribe the following words on her tombstone, 
‘Stella Louise Gustafsson, in loving memory of the father I never knew’,
which confirmed the rumours at the time that Gustav Gustafsson was in fact Stella’s
biological father. 

Set on the slopes above the valley floor,  the Van Den Berg Estate is perfectly
positioned to grow premium quality cool climate grapes.

(Queen of Hearts illustration depicts the Van Den Berg Estate situated on it’s
picturesque hillside location in the province of Utrecht, in central Netherlands).





King of Spades - Victor Van Rennes (1857-1933)

From Belgium. Established the largest wine domain in Belgium before later going
into partnership with Gustav Gustasfsson and Sophia Van Den Berg to secure his
place as the leading producer of the finest quality wines worldwide, with the finest
grapes being supplied from Gustav Gustafsson’s vinyards in Switzerland and Sophia
Van Den Berg’s vinyards in the Netherlands.

Between Tongeren and Maastricht, along the old Roman roads, in the municipality
of Riemst, lies the largest winery estate in Belgium.  This is not by accident, as the
Romans had already vineyards in
this area some 2000 years prior.

(King of Hearts illustration depicts the original Vintage Label Winery Estate that
was built in 1900.   This Estate has since been upgraded to a larger, more grand
scale estate that now includes a brewery and a distillery, and is the number one
destination for wine enthusiasts around the world to travel annually, to sample the
most saught after wine flavours in the world.)



« Last Edit: June 10, 2019, 08:44:58 AM by CLCPC Studio 52 »
 

 

dkrouskop

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I would be happy & honored to help out! I'll look them over when I get home from work this evening and get them back to you very soon!
 

 

CLCPC Studio 52

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Great!

Thankyou so much and I can't wait to see the edited versions :D

Once these are ready I plan on having them printed onto metal commemorative plaques to offer supporters of these decks :)

They will be signed front and back and include a holographic seal of authenticity on the back and will come with a bonus signature edition deck!

I can't wait to get them made and I will be framing mine to put above my wine deck collection :D

By the way the Signature Edition Decks will also be containing a little secret reveal printed inside the tuck box that relates to the backstory for these decks ;)
 

 

dkrouskop

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I sent you the edited bios in a PM. Hope you like them!